If that man is a dishwasher, then I'm Greta Garbo.
(ROARS)
ROBERTS: And you'll drop the Hulk story
until you can bring me something more
than an out-of-focus photo of your green friend.
Hey!
He just ran smack-dab, zip-zap, right into Arnold's story.
Your picture's gonna be seen coast-to-coast.
(GROWLING)
Jack, it's...
NARRATOR: Dr. David Banner, physician, scientist.
Searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths that all humans have.
Then, an accidental overdose of gamma radiation alters his body chemistry.
And now, when David Banner grows angry or outraged,
a startling metamorphosis occurs.
(ROARS)
The creature is driven by rage
and pursued by an investigative reporter.
Mr. McGee, don't make me angry.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
The creature is wanted for a murder he didn't commit.
David Banner is believed to be dead.
And he must let the world think that he is dead
until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him.
(ROARS)
McGEE: No, no,
and a no.
What do you mean, "No, no"?
These pictures are good stuff.
Trash, Charlie.
I don't know where you stole them, but they're not my style.
Are you kidding me, Jack?
These pictures will put you right back on the front page.
Well, why don't you peddle them to your buddy Joe Arnold?
He's always hungry for a cover story.
Oh, yeah? I heard you were starving.
The day I need your help to keep my job is the day I retire.
Listen, just because I don't officially work for the Register
doesn't mean you can talk to me like that.
I used to be the Pro Eastern wrestling champ.
Tell it to the chaplain, Charlie.
Very funny.
Ha, ha, ha.
Mr. Roberts, do you want the title page touched?
No airbrushing. I want our readers to see those bullet holes.
Okay.
Joe Arnold strikes again.
Somehow he got copies of the police photos on the LeGrange triple murder.
Terrific stuff.
His goon just offered me some more of the same.
A stringer like Charlie always tries to sell everything
at least twice.
Yeah, but Arnold's story is still terrific stuff.
We're going front page, six columns.
Give a guy a press card, he thinks he's a journalist.
So he doesn't help little old ladies across the street.
He turns local filler into big stories.
Like his so-called restaurant scandal?
Come on, Mark. You call that big?
Our readers love to see us as the guardian angels of the restaurant eaters.
Health hazard stories have always sold newspapers.
Speaking of selling newspapers,
I want to see you in my office.
Jack, the publishers are thinking of killing your weekly creature report.
The Hulk hunt is getting too expensive.
Plane tickets, wrecked cars...
You're talking about the biggest story in newspaper history,
they're worried about a few cheesy bucks?
Oh, cool off, Jack. Look at it from their angle.
You haven't come up with anything new for quite a while,
not even with that $10,000 reward to help you.
It's just a matter of time.
There was a guy in New Mexico, saw the Hulk not a month ago.
Jack.
There's an astrologers' convention in town.
Get the head fortunetellers in for an interview.
That's cub reporter stuff.
You'll do what I say
or go back to freelancing.
And you'll drop the Hulk story
until you can bring me something more
than an out-of-focus photo of your green friend.
KAREN: Are you sure you want milk? Milk?
I mean, milk with an anchovy pizza?
Oh, that's right, the ulcer.
Okay, I got it. Thank you.
Okay, any table that finishes two Colossus of Rome pizzas
deserves a place on our wall of fame.
Okay? Smile for me.
(EXCLAIMS IN ITALIAN)
You're gonna love that.
Oh, whoa, partner.
Oh, you're kidding.
This is gonna be just enough to send our new dishwasher right over the edge.
You should see it back there.
He's got dishes to the right, dishes to the left.
Oh, maybe I ought to go give him a hand.
Oh, wait a minute, pal, wait a minute. I was just kidding.
A little joke, you know?
We can't abandon the ship out here
just because Mr. Wonderful is slaving away back there.
Yeah, you're right.
Besides, I wouldn't have hired him
if I didn't think he could handle the work.
Oh, so that's why you hired him.
Well, he was the best man for the job.
Listen, Jill, he may be great at helping us with the books,
but if that man is a dishwasher, then I'm Greta Garbo.
KAREN: Coming through. Get them while they're filthy.
How's it going back there?
Well, slowly but surely I am developing a foolproof system.
It's that analytical mind of yours.
You figure out a way to get our liquor license,
you straighten out our books.
I love brainy dishwashers.
Unfortunately, you still have dishpan hands.
DAVID: Well, I'm open to suggestions.
Try wearing the rubber gloves.
Table 18 ready yet, Fred?
Yeah, yeah, ready.
Ready, ready. Great.
Just sitting here getting cold.
Too much garlic.
There's one.
One what?
One who is going bonkers over you, man, that's what.
Inscrutable.
That's what I thought.
And here's number two.
Hi.
How's it going?
Well, a little greasy, but under control.
But you seem to be taking it in stride. All the pressure, I mean.
Takes a very special talent to run a good restaurant. You've got it.
Well, I hope so.
Otherwise, I gave up a budding newspaper career for nothing.
Oh, you worked for a newspaper? I didn't know that.
Well, there's a lot of things you don't know about me.
I mean, we haven't really had time.
I used to work on the Times,
but they kept assigning me man-eats-dog stories, and, well, it was...
Yeah.
But now I'm my own boss and I can do all the hiring and...
Well, everything.
Needs more garlic.
Hey, Mr. Arnold. Got your message.
Obviously.
Well? Where to this time?
A place called Bruno's.
It's a small operation, newly opened.
The owners are young and struggling and female.
Zero clout.
Oh, yeah?
Makes no difference to me. Just let's do it.
You know you make the perfect soldier, Charlie?
You know that? Yeah?
Yes. The perfect soldier.
FRED: Yeah, if I were you, I'd start working on my running game, buddy.
I'm telling you, I never even seen them
take such an interest in dirty dishes before.
Come on, Fred, I'm like an older brother to them.
They're in love with you, amigo.
Uh-uh. In love. You watch.
After this is all over, they're gonna be
flinging ravioli back and forth at each other. Oh, come on.
Oh, yeah.
(POPPING AND CRACKLING)
It smells...
Fire! Fire.
(STAMMERING) Fire, fire.
No, no, no, friend. Fire. Fire! Get the hose.
Will you get the hose? Get the hose. Hose. Yeah, yeah.
Turn on the water! Turn on the water!
(EXCLAIMING NERVOUSLY)
Okay. All right.
Come on! Come on!
Open the lid! I can't stand with the hose...
FRED: Oh, open? Open? Oh!
(FRED COUGHING)
You see, I told you it would work.
Right there.
Come on.
I'm doing it as fast as I can.
Psst.
ARNOLD: Where'd you get this stuff?
Where else? Garbage cans.
Hey, what are you doing in here? This is garbage.
Hey, hey!
Hey!
What are you doing?
Come on, let's get out of here.
DAVID: Hey, come on! Hey, guys!
What happened here?
Joe Arnold happened.
Arnold?
Arnold, you know, roving reporter. National Register.
He likes to pick out a restaurant, redecorate it,
then he writes it up as some kind of health hazard.
Scares all the customers off.
Sweet, lovable guy.
Are you all right?
Oh, yes, I'm all right.
Oh, yeah, sure, he's fine.
He just ran smack-dab, zip-zap, right into Arnold's story.
Well, ladies, I'm sure glad my bags are packed.
Now, wait just a minute, Fred.
Now, this guy can't get by with this.
We'll go down to the Register
and we'll tell them what he did.
We'll tell them how he planted all this stuff here.
You got to prove that he planted it.
I mean, I've been through all this.
You hire an attorney, you wait till...
Believe me, if you're lucky,
the case will come on the courts maybe in three years.
It won't matter if we sue or not
if those pictures appear in the Register.
Well, we'll just go down there and get those pictures back.
We'll talk to Mr. Arnold face to face.
All I got to say is good luck, kids.
I mean, you got about as much chance as a snowball in July.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, don't look so bummed out.
I mean, he got some good pictures of you.
Write to folks back home.
Your picture's gonna be seen coast-to-coast.
Yes, I know.
Are you sure you're all right?
No, I'm fine, really.
Now, listen, everybody. It's gonna be okay.
Come on, Jill.
Okay, we'll be back before the evening crowd.
Boy, I sure hope they get those pictures back.
I was just getting to like it here.
JILL: Did you see David's face
when Fred told him he was in those pictures?
KAREN: Hey, we're the ones who should be worried.
Do you think David's in trouble with the police?
A fugitive?
Right now we've got other things to think about, Jill.
Mr. Arnold, for instance.
I know just how to handle this.
Finesse.
(INAUDIBLE)
Mr. Arnold?
What can I do for you, girls?
I'm Karen Weiss, and this is my partner, Jill Norton.
Ah. Bruno's.
You were just in our restaurant and we were wondering,
why?
Let's just call it a public service.
Public service?
Yeah. I received a tip. Your restaurant was a health hazard.
Who would ever call you about our place?
We run a perfectly good...
Now, dear, surely you can't expect me
to divulge my sources. Come, now.
KAREN: You threw garbage all over our kitchen.
JILL: And took phony pictures.
Mr. Arnold, we want those pictures back.
The pictures are the property of The National Register.
Oh, I hope you don't think you can get by with this,
because you can't, you know.
We'll sue you.
Lawsuits are the paper's problems, not mine.
I'm a struggling reporter doing my job as best I can.
And if you girls ran a decent place,
you wouldn't be in trouble.
Decent?
You destroy everything that people have put their whole lives into,
and you call that decent?
Karen, let's go.
Why do women insist on taking everything so personally?
I guess you'd say I'm taking it personally, yes!
As a matter of fact, I don't see how you could get much more personal than that!
Oh, no?
Try me.
(EXCLAIMS ANGRILY)
Come on.
Any luck?
We gave 'em hell. Arnold, his editor.
Who gets the vermicelli? Table four.
Okay, I got it.
But they still have the pictures.
SAMUELSON: Okay. Phillips, McHorney, Sylvan, Carey.
LENETTE: Right.
Hold it, lady.
Oh, Lenette Logan.
Lawrence, Littman, Lopez. No Logan.
Oh, it has to be there. I'm president of the Astrological League.
Well, I'm sorry, but there's no...
Oh, hold it. Here it is. Logan.
They put you on the wrong list.
LENETTE: Ah, not ashamed to admit you were wrong. An Aries?
I was born March the 2nd.
A Pisces. I knew it.
Let's go, everybody.
Littman. Littman.
Do you folks really believe in that astrology stuff?
Oh, yes. Oh, yes. For instance,
did you know the Pisces are the most intelligent of all signs?
Yeah.
Littman? Yeah.
Okay.
Hold it!
Thanks, Sam.
It's your group, Jack.
Yeah.
LENETTE: Jack McGee? Yes.
Oh, excuse me, please.
Mr. McGee, I'm Lenette Logan.
Oh, hello.
Oh, sorry we couldn't come at a more civilized hour,
but you see, Jupiter and Saturn
were not in a favorable position until 8:52 tonight.
Uh-huh.
Well, first we'll do the story and then we'll look at the stars.
Straight to the point, right down to business. You must be a Leo.
I'm a Gemini.
A Gemini. I knew it.
We're right down here.
Oh, thank you.
McGEE: Right this way, folks.
You going?
(CLEARING THROAT)
Well, if you don't get off here,
you'll have to leave the building.
Well, that's that.
Yeah. There isn't much more they can do to us.
They printed the story and the pictures.
I'm sorry.
These are just the coming attractions.
Next week there'll be another story.
And more pictures.
(JILL GROANS)
GELLER: It's just an unofficial warning,
but if you write one more line about the Health Department slacking off,
we'll have to take action.
And I don't buy your "freedom of the press" routine.
Look, Geller, there's no need for us knocking heads over this thing.
We're both after the same thing, the public's welfare.
Now, maybe we can figure out a way
to make your cooperation work to your advantage.
I already have a pension plan, Mr. Arnold.
No, I mean maybe you and your bosses
might enjoy a little national publicity.
But nobody in the department wants to be quoted in this rag.
Have you seen these photos?
A little garbage, moldy cheese.
Your readers may not have anything better to worry about.
We do.
Come see us when you bust some real offenders.
Maggots, cockroaches, real filth.
That's when we get involved.
Until then, leave us out of it,
or you'll see what kind of power
the Department of Health does have.
Good day, Mr. Arnold.
David, we're off to the market.
We'll be back in a few minutes.
Fine, I'll see you then. Okay.
Ciao. Ciao.
ARNOLD: You ready?
CHARLIE: I was born ready.
You know, if I ever wrestle again,
I think I'm gonna call myself the Cockroach.
That's great, Charlie.
Bring your little friends and let's do it.
Come on.
CHARLIE: Over here's a good launching pad.
(CHUCKLES)
What do those things like to eat, Charlie?
CHARLIE: They eat anything. Anything. You name it, these guys will eat it.
ARNOLD: Ugh. I never liked bugs.
CHARLIE: They're beautiful.
Go on, get in there, get in there. Look at them.
(CHARLIE LAUGHING)
Chow time, guys.
Come on.
Get in there. That's it.
Look at them. Hurry up!
Look at them.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
Get him. Get the camera!
Go on, take it.
Well, he won't give us any more trouble.
All right, give me a hand.
Come on, smile for the camera, huh?
(ROARS)
CHARLIE: I ain't gonna wrestle this guy.
Out of the way!
ARNOLD: Look out, he's got the freezer.
(ROARING)
Auf wiedersehen, girls.
The guard tells me you signed out for my Hulk photos, McGee.
Yeah, I did. I thought maybe they'd help me with the brass.
Oh, and did they?
Not much, no. Maybe you could.
You were there. You saw the Hulk.
This is my story and those are my photos, McGee.
Why do you do it, Arnold?
Do what? I do my job. It's as simple as that.
No.
You could be a good reporter.
You're smart enough.
You always take the cheap shot.
Let me tell you something, McGee.
There's only a handful of reporters in this country that make big money,
and I intend to be one of them.
So that's it.
Go for the bucks.
Yeah.
No matter who it hurts.
Right.
You want me to do it straight, the way you do, and end up with nothing?
Well, I sleep good.
I shave with my eyes wide open. I have friends.
Feel a little sorry for you, Joe.
Save your sympathy, pal, for yourself.
All right, girls, ready? One, two, three, push.
What are we gonna do if we get customers?
We'll call Pizza People. They deliver.
I can't.
Oh, no.
Poor Fred.
He sounded so upset when he phoned in his resignation.
Yeah. This is a great time for us to lose our Italian chef.
Customers.
Fine.
Maybe they'll just want salads.
JILL: Yes, sir. Can we help you?
We're really not prepared to serve dinner,
but we could fix you up a nice salad.
McGEE: Well...
Or a great grilled cheese sandwich.
No, thanks. I'm Jack McGee from The National Register.
Oh, great. What'd your paper do,
send you over here for a follow-up story?
Bankruptcy and the single girl?
I'm no fan of Joe Arnold.
It's just that... That's not why I'm here, anyway.
I wanted to talk to you about the Hulk.
The what?
McGEE: The Hulk. That's the big green creature...
KAREN: Listen, we don't care about any Hulk, you know?
All we're interested in right now is our business.
Do you have any idea how hard it was
to get a loan for this place,
any idea at all?
I appreciate your problems. I got a few of my own.
I just thought maybe we could help each other.
Do you have any suggestions?
Yeah, I think I do.
See, my paper is offering $10,000
to anybody who can help us find the Hulk.
Now, I want him captured,
and I think I know how to do that.
The only thing is, I need a lead on where to find him.
Well, I don't really know what we can tell you.
I'll tell you what.
You get us those pictures back from Joe Arnold
that he took in here,
and we will tell you everything that we know.
Those photographs are logged and dated. I'd have to steal them.
It's a violation of ethics.
What would anybody working for The National Register know about ethics?
Yeah, I understand how you feel.
Well, you've got my card in case you change your mind.
And we're in the phone book in case you change yours.
I honestly wish I could've helped.
Yeah.
You know, I wish we could help him.
Oh, Jill. Come on.
Ladies,
I think you should take a look at these pictures.
JILL: Oh, our last customers.
Jill, I'm in no mood for a trip down memory lane.
I think you're missing the point.
You took these pictures on Monday, same day that Joe Arnold showed up.
That's right, Monday. Here's the receipt. The 22nd.
Now look at the headline. "Bears Win 14-0."
The game was played on Sunday.
This is Monday morning's paper, first edition.
Now look at the clock on the wall.
12:30. The kitchen is spotless.
Now, the Register's photo log and your receipt should prove
that these pictures were taken less than an hour apart.
Well, that's just what we need to force the Register to print a retraction.
Okay, we have to get hold of that photo log.
Yeah, well, we can't just walk in there and take it.
Can we?
GAME WARDEN: That thing was backed into a corner.
Have you ever seen a pregnant gorilla when she's trapped?
No.
The police started talking about shooting the bloody thing
'cause they were terribly nervous
about it being near a school and all.
So when I received the phone call from the society,
I knew this was the perfect chance to try out the new rifle.
I mean, isn't it smashing?
They awarded us the ape when it was over.
And she's really quite fond of me now.
And there were no side effects?
None whatsoever.
She was perfectly normal when she regained consciousness,
the only difference being she was tucked away safe and sound in her cage.
How many of these did you use?
Oh, only one dart. That's enough to knock out a medium-sized elephant.
May I see that?
Oh, certainly.
After something big?
Yeah, you could say that.
Oh.
Something big.
Do you think it'll be distracting enough?
Are you kidding? She'd be distracting in a gunnysack.
Are you nervous?
A little.
Now, remember, keep your shoulders back.
Come on, she's gonna be all right. Okay?
I'll be all right. I'll be all right.
And remember the coat.
The coat, okay.
Yeah, okay? Good luck.
Good luck.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Excuse me.
Who do you want to see, miss, at this hour?
I'm here to see Mr...
Mr. Steinhauer.
Oh, as far as I know, he's left for the day.
Young lady, you're gonna catch a draft.
Don't you have a coat?
Yes. No.
I mean, it's in the car.
I was sure Bobby told me to meet him here.
You know, colds are very easy to come by nowadays
unless you're careful.
He told me we would go out for a late supper.
Well, now, how about something homemade and hot?
My wife made some wonderful soup. Here.
Let me give you some. It'll do you good.
Oh, no, thank you. If Mr. Steinhauer isn't here, I'll just...
Soup is good on a night like this.
A night like this?
Look, young lady.
Mr. Steinhauer may be a big shot,
but between you and me,
I wouldn't let my daughter go out with him.
You wouldn't?
No way.
(INTERCOM BUZZES)
Samuelson here. Oh, yes, sir.
I thought you'd already left.
Yes, Mr. Steinhauer.
Guess he was here after all.
You can go ahead up.
Thank you.
Miss,
be careful.
I will.
A piece of cake.
What happened? Did he make a pass?
He wants to adopt me.
Ladies, please, the photo lab.
Okay.
Photographs, negatives and contacts, huh?
Look, timed and dated.
Okay.
Wait a minute.
What?
This is the run sheet for the next issue of The National Register.
The issue that goes to press tonight
has the story on our restaurant running front page.
Oh, no. All this work for nothing.
What about the pictures?
Well, they've probably made a dummy sheet and print plate by now.
Whatever pictures they picked have been duplicated.
All right, where's the dummy sheet?
It's probably in the trash.
I mean, they only use it once to make the plates.
Now, if we want to stop the story, we've got to get those plates.
Okay, come on.
Hiya, Jack.
Sam.
Just making the rounds.
You still on the trail of that thing?
Yeah.
You work too hard.
Have you had any dinner?
Dinner? No.
I happen to have some nice, hot, homemade soup.
Yeah, and I've got work to do.
Okay, if this Hulk is more important than your health.
Sam?
Thanks anyway.
Yeah, sure.
All right, ladies.
But, David, we can't just leave you here.
Yes, you can.
But, David, you...
Jill, listen to me.
You look lovely, but you're not dressed for fast getaways.
Now, if only one person goes into the print shop,
only one person has the possibility of getting caught.
Right. Let's go. All right.
We'll wait for you at the restaurant. Go ahead. Goodbye.
Yes. Be careful.
Yes.
I just don't see how we can leave him up there.
I mean, don't you care what happens to him?
Of course I care what happens to him.
MAN 1: Hey, what's happened?
MAN 2: The lights went out. Circuit breaker must have shorted out.
Well, let's check it out.
Hey, watch it.
If you'd pick up your feet, I wouldn't step on them.
It's locked. You got the key?
SAMUELSON: Hey, you guys, what happened?
Where are the lights?
MAN 2: Think it's the circuit breaker.
SAMUELSON: This place is falling apart at the seams.
Hi, Sam. You got the key?
Yeah, it's gotta be one of these.
MAN 1: Don't you know which one it is?
SAMUELSON: Sure, sure. It's just a matter of finding it.
Hey, the ink's gonna dry on the drums.
I'm going as fast as I can.
It's a Mallick lock. Look for a Mallick key.
It's easier said than done with no light.
That should work.
That's not it, huh?
For crying out loud, Sam.
This is gonna be the one.
(EXCLAIMS)
There we go.
There you go.
Yeah, it's about time.
Gee, that was funny.
(PHONE RINGING)
Wait a minute.
Samuelson here.
Sam?
Oh, hello, Jack.
Yeah, I don't know quite what it was.
It was a circuit breaker, yeah. Circuit breaker.
Well, everything seems to be all right now.
(ROARING)
Jack, it's...
It's the Hulk.
Where? In the print shop.
MAN 1: He stopped the presses!
Gosh! Look at that!
He tore the press drum right out.
MAN 2: What's he doing now?
I ain't sticking around to find out.
Let me out of here.
(ROARS)
(GROWLS)
Help. Somebody help. He'll get away.
Is anyone down here? You gotta help me.
MAN ON PA: There's an intruder in the building.
All employees still on the premises,
stay in your offices and lock the doors.
I repeat, there's an intruder in the building.
All employees still on the premises,
stay in your offices and lock the doors.
(ROARING)
Mr. McGee. Mr. McGee. Please respond at any security phone.
If you are hurt, stay where you are and we'll find you.
The police are on the way, Mr. McGee.
Mr. McGee. Mr. McGee. Please respond at any security phone.
If you are hurt, stay where you are and we'll find you.
The police are on the way, Mr. McGee.
(GROANING)
McGEE: Who are you?
Help me. Help...
You know, as of lunch today, we're back in the black, thanks to David.
The important thing is we can now pay off our loan.
Well, the place sure has lost a lot of its magic since he left.
I mean, men like David just don't come into a girl's life very often.
He was so special.
If I ever see him again, I'm gonna tell him exactly how I feel
about him leaving us without even giving notice.
We'll never see him again.
Another town, another name.
Wasn't he wonderful?
He was perfect.